Notes from Nana Linda

I just had a lovely Mother’s Day dinner at my daughter’s house.  It got me thinking about the difference between child-centered child rearing which gives up everything for the child and balanced love.  Except when they are infants, I don’t believe that your children should rule your life, but I do believe in balanced love.  The difference is nicely illustrated in the two books, The Giving Tree and The Knitting of Elizabeth Amelia.

In The Giving Tree, the tree, over time, gives everything she has to the “boy.”  The “boy” grows old but never grows out of taking from the tree.  That image does not feel healthy to me and I never felt comfortable having the book in my house.  Balanced love does not mean endless giving without thought!  Isn’t part of parenting guiding our children on the path that will help them grow into loving and giving adults themselves? Don’t we need to teach our children to give as well as receive?

Then several years ago I found The Knitting of Elizabeth Amelia, by Patricia Lee Gauch.  The heroine of this book is a knitted baby who, as she is growing up, is loved by all because she is soft and fun and loves to dance.  She marries and when she wants children, or needs things for the children, she knits them out of yarn unravelled from herself.  She finally is only a pillow and can no longer dance.  At this point, and this is the charm of the book for me, her family comes to her and brings to her yarn they find all over the house for her to use to reknit herself.  Their compassion and love teaches Elizabeth Amelia that she should receive as well as give.  She does reknit herself and is able to dance again.

As all children’s books do, this sounds stranger in the retelling than in the book with illustrations and a storytelling pace.  My point is that endless giving may not develop compassionate human beings.  Our modeling receiving with love, as well as giving  with love, develops compassionate human beings.

the Dalai Lama's delight at being given a wooden paddle

A week or so ago the Dalai Lama was in Honolulu.  He is a man who has spent his life promoting spirituality in himself and others.  His being here in Hawaii was a rare and wonderful event.  Much has been written about his visit but again and again the comment was made that he seemed so happy and he had such a great sense of humor.  He could even laugh at himself.  This picture is my favorite, since it shows his full-bodied enjoyment of the moment.

a young child's delight at who-knows-what

The other reason I love this picture is that the smile reminds so much of my younger granddaughter.  Just like the Dalai Lama, she often gives a huge smile to show her full-bodied enjoyment of the moment.  We expect a small child to laugh and smile and giggle.  We don’t expect it from a spiritual leader.  Perhaps we should.  Being in the moment and experiencing life to the fullest is something we seem to lose as we get older.  Is a child’s natural enjoyment of  the present actually that state of grace we adults try so hard to achieve?

Sometimes as adults, even if we are not highly developed spiritual leaders, we can be “surprised by joy.”  When my daughter was married it was a joyous event for the whole community.  Just as with the Dalai Lama and my young granddaughter, you can see her full-bodied enjoyment of the moment.  These joyous moments are when I feel God is very close and I sense our spiritual connectedness.  Perhaps promoting joy is part of promoting spirituality.

my daughter's delight at her wedding

The 8:00 children triumphantly bring the Alleluia to the altar.

Every year at the beginning of Lent we “put away” the word Alleluia and don’t use it in the hymns and responses until Easter.  Sometimes, as in this year, the pastor literally hides it during a children’s sermon.  It is surprising how small symbolic gestures such as this can set the tone for a season.

The 10:30 children search for the Alleluia.

On Easter morning Pastor Jeff sent out the children to retrieve the Alleluia.  At the first service the children remembered exactly where it had been hidden and triumphantly went directly to it.  At the second service he put it in a new hiding place and the children really had to search all over the nave.  When they found it they bore it happily up to the altar.  Both times it was a joyous and participatory way for the children to help change the inward, somber mood of Lent into the burst of springtime energy that is Easter.

In Sunday school we are singing alleluia songs; most of them are rounds or call and response. This is Bible-camp style music and we are riotous and have fun and laugh and are joyful.     I hope your Easter time is as joyful as ours.

Generations enjoying the Seder

I love this picture of folks at the Seder Meal because it shows the people of all generations interacting together.

This coming Sunday, Palm Sunday,  the Sunday school children will again host a Seder meal between the services.  Again the children will tell the story of Moses and God’s saving of the people of Israel from slavery in Egypt.  Once again we will explore our Christian origin in Judaism.  But the most wonderful part of the Seder Meal for me is the interaction of the generations of the church from the tiniest babies to the oldest members.  This is a truly holy meal and I always feel Christ’s presence among us.  What better way to pass on to our children the core of our faith than in such a celebration of God’s care for his people.  It is a great way to start the Holy Week.

a very calmed baby

Is there anything more frustrating and upsetting than a baby that you can’t keep from crying?  Any of you that know my youngest granddaughter know that she doesn’t usually cry. When she did start crying the other day I had to reach back in my bag of tricks to remember how to sooth her.  I was impressed again with how effective these simple techniques are when you find yourself confronted with an unhappy infant.  I hope this list helps you as it has me.

a swaddled newborn

The 5 “S’s”: How to Turn on Your Baby’s Calming Reflex

1. Swaddling: Wrapping makes your baby feel magically returned to the womb and it will keep your baby from flailing his/her arms. If not done correctly, the baby may cry even harder. Remember to swaddle snuggly. Loose blankets may be a choking risk. Also, don’t overheat your baby. (Babies should never be sweaty and flushed.)

2. Side/Stomach: Newborns are easier to calm when they’re lying on their side or stomach. This triggers the calming reflex by imitating your baby’s position in the uterus. Lying a baby on his/her back can sometimes trigger a falling reflex and make your baby feel insecure. Keep in mind the side/stomach position is great for calming crying, but babies should only sleep on their backs.

3. Shhhh: “Shhhh”ing your baby imitates the sound he/she heard in your uterus, which was as loud as a vacuum cleaner. Place your mouth two to four inches from your baby’s ear and make the “shhhh” sound. It must be loud enough to match the sound of your baby’s crying, or he/she won’t hear it.

4. Swinging: Rhythmic moving imitates the jiggling your baby felt inside the uterus and activates the calming reflex. Ways to use motion are: baby slings and carriers, dancing, infant swings, rocking, car rides, bouncy seats.

5. Sucking: Putting a pacifier, finger or breast into a baby’s mouth satisfies hunger and turns on the calming reflex.

I got this list from The Happiest Baby on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp. For more information about Dr. Karp and his techniques for calming crying babies, go to www.thehappiestbaby.com.  Now I need to read his book on communicating with toddlers.

Chinese dragon

Chinese New Year’s  is January 23.  It will be the beginning of the year of the dragon. Here is my favorite version of how the 12 animals were chosen for the years of the zodiac.

Long ago, in China, the Jade Emperor decided there should be a way of measuring time. On his birthday he told the animals that there was to be a swimming race. The first twelve animals across the fast flowing river would be the winners and they would each have a year of the zodiac named after them.

All the animals lined up along the riverbank. The rat and the cat, who were good friends, were worried because they were poor swimmers. Being clever they asked the strong ox if he would carry them across the river.

‘Of course’ said the kind ox. ‘Just climb on my back and I will take you across.’

The rat and the cat quickly jumped up and were very excited when the ox soon took the lead in the race. They had almost reached the other bank when the rat pushed the cat into the river leaving him to struggle in the water. Then just before the ox was about to win the race the rat leapt on his head and on to the bank to finish first.

‘Well done,’ said the Jade Emperor to the proud rat. ‘The first year of the zodiac will be named after you.’

The poor ox had been tricked into second place and the second year of the zodiac was named after him.

Shortly after the exhausted tiger clawed his way to the riverbank to claim third place. Swimming across the river had been an enormous struggle for him against the strong currents. The Emperor was so delighted with his efforts that he named the third year after him.

Next to arrive was the rabbit, who hadn’t swum across at all. He hopped across on some stepping-stones and then found a floating log that carried him to the shore.

‘I shall be very happy to call the fourth year after you,’ the surprised Jade Emperor explained.

Just then a kind dragon swooped down to take fifth place.

‘Why didn’t you win the race, as you can fly as well as swim?’ the Jade Emperor asked.

‘I was held up because some people and animals needed water to drink. I needed to make some rain,’ the dragon explained. ‘Then when I was nearly here I saw a poor little rabbit on a log in the water and I blew a puff of wind so that the log would float to the river bank.’

‘Well that was very kind of you and now you are here you will have the fifth year of the zodiac named after you.’

The next thing the Jade Emperor heard was the sound of the horse’s hooves. Just as he was thinking the horse would be the next animal to arrive, a sneaky snake wriggled out from around one of the horse’s hooves. The horse was so surprised that he jumped backwards giving the snake a chance to take the sixth place in the race. The poor horse had to be satisfied with seventh place.

Not long afterwards a raft arrived carrying the goat, the monkey and the rooster. They explained to the Emperor how they had shared the raft that the rooster had found. The goat and monkey had cleared weeds and pushed the raft to the shore. The Emperor was very pleased that the animals had worked together. He said the goat would be the eighth zodiac animal, the monkey the ninth and the rooster the tenth.

The next animal to finish was the dog.

‘Why are you so late when you are one of the best swimmers?’ asked the Jade Emperor.

‘The water in the river was so clean that I had to have a bath on the way,’ explained the dog.

His reward was to have the eleventh year named after him.

Now there was one place left in the zodiac and the Emperor wondered when the last winner would come. He had nearly given up when he heard a grunt from the boar.

‘You took a long time to cross the river,’ said the Emperor to the boar.

‘I was hungry and stopped to eat,’ explained the boar. ‘After the meal I felt so tired that I fell asleep.’

‘You have still done well,’ said the Jade Emperor. ‘The last year of the zodiac will be named after you.’

As for the cat who had been pushed into the water by the rat, he finally crawled out of the water but was too late to have a year named after him. He felt very cross with the rat and since then cats have never been friends with rats.

From that day to this the Chinese Zodiac has followed this cycle of years named after these twelve animals.

Ay-yah!

In an effort to give our 4 year old granddaughter individual attention, my husband and I have decided to do projects with her on Wednesday afternoons.   This week I decided we would bake communion bread.  She is a liberated lady and an active child so when I told her to punch down the dough she did it with gusto and appropriate martial arts sound affects!  The dough never stood a chance.

After we had whipped the bread into shape she really wanted to roll it out.  I frankly thought that was beyond her but she was determined, and by golly she had the strength and focus.

See, Nana, I can do it!

There are so many simple things that children love to do that we don’t realize they are able to do.  We only need to take a lot of time and let things develop slowly with minimal expectation of a particular result.  I know that is asking a lot in our fast paced lives, but the sense of accomplishment they get by doing something real is invaluable.

Just being there–a very important parenting technique.

I got caught by the after-Christmas sales and ended up with a workbench for the grandkids that required “some assembly”.  That is, it came as collection of unconnected boards flat in a box.  My husband, delight that he is, volunteered to put it together.

We decided to make it a project for him and our 4 year old granddaughter, and this is where the magic happened.  We had her at our house for the afternoon with nothing much planned so the timing was perfect.  My husband set to work always giving her tasks that she could handle; soaping screws, holding the other end of a board, lining up holes, handing him boards that luckily were each labeled with a letter.  And in between helping she would pound with her toy hammer on boards that weren’t being used yet “getting them ready”.  They joked and they laughed and after two hours they had completed the work bench.

She had a lovely afternoon and a great sense of accomplishment.  She could hardly wait  for her young cousin to come over to use the toy that she had made.

Just being there–an important parenting technique.

two boys talking about the nativity scene at LCH

Starting next Sunday, January 8, the adult education class at LCH will explore the stages of morality in children and adults.  The course, entitled “Living the ‘Good’ Life: Levels of Morality in Children and Adults,” will be examining such qualities as fairness, justice, compassion, and empathy. Click here for a link to the materials that will be used in the class.

The class has gotten me thinking about how we support the development of morality in our children.  Children learn by seeing images, hearing stories, and following the examples of the adults around them.  We can support them by surrounding them with positive images, stories, and examples.

Christmas is a time we present the children with tales of sharing and good will.  By giving them these models again and again we encourage them to grow spiritually.  I hope the holiday season for all of us has been full of the images and stories that feed our souls and that we all will continue to grow in the New Year.

the devil surrounded by love

Last year my grandson put the devil ornament in my nativity scene in a timeout.  I blogged about it in Advent for a Six Year Old.  This year as we got out the Christmas tree ornaments he immediately grabbed the devil ornament and said that he was taller now and could put the devil higher up on the tree, further away from the baby Jesus.  Not only that but he surrounded the devil with heart shaped ornaments full of loving scenes.  He also wrapped the devil in a garland of stars.

Now I don’t know if he was tormenting the devil or if he thought he could convert him, but whichever is true it’s a imaginative way for an active young boy to interact with a nativity set.  His impulse to confront the devil and his use of love as a defense against him I find heart warming.  I wonder what he will do next year?